he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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