I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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