pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
