He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Randomize
