I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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