i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
