I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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