my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
