He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
