i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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