Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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