literally had 100 drinks last night.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
