I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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