I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
