ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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