before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
