I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
