I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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