I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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