I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
