white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
