I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
