fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
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I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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