Will you blow on my dice?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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