When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
