I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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