i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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