After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
