That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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