I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
