just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I checked into jail on foursquare
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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