It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
