Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
