I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
