I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
