I think my vagina is haunted
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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