You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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