remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
