I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
