Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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