Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
