...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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