What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
