Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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