My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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