Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
is that a dick in a sweater?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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