Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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