it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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