Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
