i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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