dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
