I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
