Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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