I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
