So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
