I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
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This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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